Will This Be Cathartic?

Warning, this may end up being too obscenely personal for me to post on here, but it's late at night and I'm exhausted so why not. I'm so seemingly normal. I'd be so much more normal if it wasn't for my overwhelming anxiety. My anxiety to never ever be bad, or wrong. First off, this chunk of anxiety is completely inspired from one simple situation: my boss innocuously saying that we needed to speak before I left from work today. That was it, no note of a good or a bad implication. My mind spiraled. Am I going to get fired? Do I void items too much (something I didn't know got the store in trouble until today, and I thought was a simple computer issue), have I gotten guest complaints, did I do something wrong? Of course I did something wrong, because whenever something goes wrong, it is completely and utterly my fault, and I can't shrug it off. I really can't. I take way too much responsibility for my actions. This is something I don't think my parents ever understood because at school and work and everywhere else I give so much, and have so much wrong to correct that when I'm at home I just can't visualize all the errors I make there too. Not socializing enough, not volunteering to help out, and not picking up on their subtle emotional changes. This is a totally valid thing for them to feel cheated on, since I'm giving a hundred percent as much as I can to everyone else. The minute I think I've done something wrong my mind rockets to negative thought after negative thought in an endless racket of hypothetical scenarios of doom. So where am I safe from my own mind? My sleep? Thus why very often at these times I can't sleep. I really can't do anything properly until I calm myself or distract myself. It can go on for a very long time until I confront the situation completely. Also, this is why I stay up late at night doing everything I can until I physically exhaust myself at these times. It is a completely awful habit to have.

Let's move on to my second anxiety, nausea. The minute I look pale, feel feverish, or even have a stomach grumble I'm done. Until I can distract my mind from causing myself to feel overly more nauseous, I am just a miserable human being. I have weird rituals of vacant tv viewing and internet browsing at this time attempting to void my mind of the retching feeling that I know I am creating, but I can't stop. Thusly, what I'm doing now at 1 am when I'm exhausted and have to work at 8 tomorrow. I'm cracking. Hopefully this will be cathartic enough that I can sleep. I also feel utterly terrible that I'm in this condition considering my mother is alone in bed tonight with the absence of my father and wanted me to sleep with her. Of course I can't due to my obsessive rituals that aren't even working right now. Although the Courtney Love story on VH1 is very interesting. Hopefully I can run on adreniline tomorrow at work. Now why has this anxious scenario sprung tonight? Because I became pale suddenly accompanying my already sore throat and my stomach made a few weird noises. Sound stupid? I know it is rationally, but I'm a wreck.


Anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive order can go to friggin' hell.

Will This Be Cathartic?